5 Dangerous Phrases when you're preparing for a wedding speech

I can't count how many times I've heard these phrases!

I'll be at a wedding fair, or just chatting to someone I've met and, when they hear about NoMoreNerves, they turn and say to their friend, husband, father, etc. .."Oh, we've got that wedding coming up ... YOU should talk to Derek!"

And then, in AT LEAST 50% of cases, they'll come back with one of these phrases, and I'll be honest - it makes me REALLY worried!

It's not that I think EVERYONE is going to be nervous and needs my coaching. Of course not, but in my experience these phrases are usually a sign that the soon-to-be-speaker is not as prepared as they could be.

So, whether you're nervous or not, here's a freebie that will hopefully help you or your loved ones to be as prepared as possible for the big event.

Enjoy!
(And don't forget to share it with someone who needs it! Thanks!)

The Burning Question for Best-Men

The Burning Question

I've coached a lot of best-men and the question I've been asked most often - and usually in a kind of awkward, pained way - is: 'does the speech have to be funny?'. 

I say pained because they usually feel a LOT of pressure (much of which is imagined, or self-inflicted) to make it the best and funniest speech ever written, even though they may have no experience whatsoever of writing a speech, let alone delivering one to a large audience.

The Simple Answer

In one way, the answer is simple: no, your speech doesn't have to be funny...

...that said, most of us would prefer a few laughs along the way. Whether we're a guest or the one standing there with the microphone in our hand, a couple of laughs helps it all go more smoothly. 

I'd also acknowledge that there are usually higher expectations of the best-man's speech to be amusing than that of the other speakers. Especially in Ireland!

So, this post is mainly aimed at the Best Man and it gives you my take on the subject, along with a few tips to help you get the speech just right for you and your audience.

My Usual Response

I've seen enough jokes fall flat in wedding speeches to make me very cautious about how I coach my clients on this topic. Just search YouTube for 'funny best man speech' and see how many times they actually make you laugh.

So, I usually respond to The Burning Question by asking: 'Well, John, are YOU funny?'

I'm not trying to insult them. What I'm getting at is how much their friends and guests will EXPECT them to be funny. 

If you're generally a fairly straight-laced fella, then people aren't going to expect you to magically be hilarious on the day. They're going to expect to see YOU speaking. The best speeches are always genuine and not forced.

My Golden Rule

*If YOU'RE not funny, don't try and FORCE your speech to be funny*

(If you ARE funny - i.e. you're widely regarded as a person who's really funny IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, which can be quite different to joking with your mates sitting around a table, then you can stop reading now and go and have fun working on your material. Wedding guests make a great audience; they're usually in a fun mood and ready and willing to laugh along!).

For everyone that's still reading, my message to you is to be careful about trying to stitch lots of jokes into your speech - it's REALLY hard to nail the timing and delivery when you're nervous. 

Careful now:

I'm not saying it should all be boring and soppy and serious. What I'm saying is, being genuinely 'funny' in a comedian / after-dinner-speaker kind of way takes HUGE amounts of skill and practice and is not something most people manage to achieve. 

The Alternative? Humour, Not Jokes

So, if I'm getting all preachy about turning your speech into a try-hard gag-fest, then what's the alternative? 

In my experience, what nearly everyone can manage (and comes across as more genuine at a wedding anyway) is having a SENSE OF HUMOUR.

This means that instead of trawling the internet for jokes and trying to build your speech around them, you're: 

• not taking yourself too seriously; 
• not trying too hard to get laughs;
• not relying only on scripted, usually clichéd, gags (though there's room for one or two of them if you can't resist);
• letting the stories / anecdotes be funny for you (see below), and
• behaving as your natural self, or at least as much as you can in this situation!

To inject humour into your speech, you need to prepare well in advance of the big day. Dig around and collect some stories, facts or anecdotes that are funny to begin with, then: 

• carefully select the best ones (1 or 2 should be plenty),
• polish them up and put them in language that you're comfortable with,
• run them past someone you trust and make sure they give you honest feedback, and finally,
• practice them over and over as a scripted part of your speech. Don't rely on your improvisational skills. When you're nervous, it's next to impossible for a normal Joe Soap to improvise in a funny way.

Of course, this post shares my opinion and others will argue differently. But, please, even if you disagree with me, remember this universal truth:

*Your wedding guests don't want to hear the EXACT SAME Best-Man jokes they've heard 5 times in the last year*

Naturally enough, you'll still be nervous but remember:

*Great confidence comes from knowing your speech reflects the real you*

If you need more help, or still have questions, then give me a call for a free consultation about your upcoming speech.  Until then, make sure you sign up to my newsletter and let the blog posts come straight to you!

p.s. Here's an EPIC example of using a sense of humour (and a video crew and a rally car!) to make a super-memorable speech ... 

Wedding Speech Resources #3

Here's the latest post in the Wedding Speech Resources series, where I share some of the best sites I've found for preparing yourself to deliver a winning wedding speech (make sure you also check out part 1 and part 2 of the series).

This time I'm pointing you to more of a corporate training type website - called www.mindtools.com, which I've referred to a lot in my career as a Learning & Development professional, over the years.

It has some great articles and resources for self-development and this one on Managing Presentation Nerves is right up our alley for making wedding speeches too. It shares wise words on:

1. Your audience
2. Your material
3. The structure of your speech
4. Preparation
5. Practice
6. Calming your nerves

Enjoy and remember to contact me anytime to help turn your hopes for a great speech into a reality :-)

Wedding Speech Resources #2

In the first instalment of my Wedding Speech Resources series, I mentioned how I get my clients to collect all their ideas and bring a first draft to the coaching session. But what if they’re having a problem actually coming up with the ideas in the first place?  There’s nothing as off-putting as a blank page, so it often helps to have a few ideas or concepts to work off.

To overcome the blank-page-blues, www.TheBestManSpeech.com is a resource I often point people to. It has LOADS of content and it’s all stored under relevant headings like ‘Opening lines’, ‘Humorous wedding observations’, ‘toasts’ etc. As always, I’d caution you about copying the lines directly, but reading a few of these is nearly always enough to get your own creative juices flowing. It also has tonnes of well written articles and guides for you to read through.

www.TheBestManSpeech.com

You get access to just a few of the items for free and then you have to pay for a password*, but it’s no more than the cost of a few pints – or a book on wedding speeches!

*note- I’m not affiliated with this site and don’t make any money from it – I just think it’s a great resource worth sharing!

Wedding Speech Resources #1

Writing a wedding speech can be pretty tough, whether you're the best-man, groom, bride, or one of the parents. Maybe you have lots of ideas and stories, but are struggling with the wording, or to link them together with the right flow. Not everyone is a natural writer so, thankfully, the internet has spawned lots of speech-writing resources. I thought I'd throw in my tuppence worth and share a few of the good sites that I've come across. Most of them are aimed at the best-man, but you'll see that they're relevant for everyone who needs to make a speech.

When I work with my No More Nerves clients, part of their homework is to capture all of their ideas and bring along a first draft that we can work on together. Our aim is for them to create a wedding speech that has a familiar structure (I'll talk about this again in the future - familiar doesn't have to mean overly-traditional or formulaic) and which contains a touch of originality and style that is appropriate for both speaker and audience.

This video, from Best Man Speech Insight, gives a lot of good advice for delivering a winning speech. He also has a very useful blog you can read, here. 

Remember, though, getting the speech written is only the first step - to change those words into a real speech that you'll be proud of, and that your family and friends will remember (for the right reasons!) contact me to arrange some coaching!

The Worst Vice?



 

Careful who you listen to!

Yep – the worst vice is ADVICE!  When you're feeling nervous, you have to be so careful who you listen to.

This morning, I got a message from my great friend Mark, pointing me towards a really well-written article in the Irish Times, by a chap called Cian Traynor.  He describes perfectly the feelings, worries and concerns that I hear over and again from best-men and grooms, so I thought I’d chip in a couple of my thoughts.

Poor old Cian certainly had a hard time of it on the run-up to the event. He had 2 weeks’ notice, but this may have been a blessing – I’ve worked with men who were losing sleep at the thoughts of the speech – up to 6 months beforehand!

 Why? Because all the comments, stories and advice just add onto our own fears, to make it seem like an impossible and horrible task. Here's what Cian had to say about this:

It took a week to shepherd sentiments into words. Consulting with friends who had been through the experience only heightened my apprehension. “I’m not going to lie to you,” one said. “It’s awful. Petrifying. You won’t be able to enjoy yourself until it’s over.” Another friend nodded gravely, adding: “Once you do this, you’ll be able to speak in any situation.”

James’s brother chipped in to say he’d been to one where the speech was skipped altogether because the best man wasn’t up to it.

… relishing all the best-man horror stories people felt compelled to share with me. Even at the altar, waiting for the bride, the priest said he recently attended a wedding where the best man was so sick with nerves that they had to get the speech over with before the meal.

Nerves really can be overcome, as Cian outlines in his story. To paraphrase Gloria Gaynor – You Will Survive!

 

The majority of people just need a little help to get their own words out with confidence. Toastmasters, group training, books, speech writing services – they all have their place – but in my experience, nothing prepares someone better than individual (and expert) support, appropriate guidance, practice in a safe environment and – here’s the important bit – A BIT OF FUN while you're doing it!

 

As Cian outlined, speeches are a great chance to say something meaningful to people who are important to you – it shouldn’t (and doesn’t have to) feel like a chore or a nightmare.

 

Contact me if you or someone you know is feeling the pain that Cian felt. Please have a look around the site and if you think it’s a great idea, let people know - together we can help the world! Ok, maybe just a few people in Ireland then, but that’s a good start, right?!

It doesn't have to be perfect

When he made this best man speech, I bet that YouTube star Ollie didn't think that over 2.2 million people would see it! Now that's what I call an audience! 

This is a good example of how you don't need an AMAZING or PERFECT speech - your success is mostly down to delivery (and obviously a decent amount or preparation!).

Because he's genuine, has clearly practiced it, has a smile on his face and is delivering it with confidence, people are loving it. It's nice and short too which shows that your speech doesn't have to be like one of The Lord of the Rings movies!